What can I do at a time like this?

What can I do at a time like this?

CS Lewis wrote the book A Grief Observed as a way of expressing and coping with the grief of losing his wife to cancer. Here is a passage, written shortly after his wife’s death: “Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be-or so it feels-welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting on the inside. After that, silence.”…“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘So there’s no God after all,’ but ‘So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.’”
C.S. Lewis was one of the most influential Christian writers of the 20th century, but his grief clearly put his faith in danger. And his reaction is common. Along with the shock, confusion, and sadness of grief, we often experience a feeling of being alone, and a tendency to doubt our most important beliefs. When a friend or family member is grieving, how are God’s people called upon to help?
We can be there and we can listen. These are the two most important parts of helping those who suffer grief, but they aren’t easy. I know my tendency is to say to myself “she won’t want lots of people around right now, just give her some time.” Unfortunately, what happens so frequently is that everyone disappears, and then the grieving person is left to go it alone. “You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend. (Psalm 88:18)”
Instead, we should offer our support. Call and invite the grieving person out to coffee. Stop by and bring some cookies or a meal. Just arrange a time to get together and visit. When we do visit, remember to listen. It’s also the hardest task. My own tendency is to talk too much and to try to offer ways to “fix-it” (and it’s not possible). The better path is simply to acknowledge the pain, share the tears, and offer our patient, nonjudgmental love.
How do we help during those times when grief damages someone’s faith in God? Our tool is the Bible, which features a loving God who knows about our suffering and cares for real people. The Bible does not pretend that all of our problems can be resolved, or that our story always has a happy ending. Our physical presence, our prayers, and our scriptures provide comfort during times of pain:
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23:4).” Our shepherd is always present, we are not alone. He guides us through the difficult, dangerous times, and He never abandons us.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows (2Cor 1:3-5).” This verse reflects God’s presence and comfort in times of trouble, and it lets us know that we, in turn, are to offer our presence and comfort to others in their pain.
Our newest Care Ministry team is our Grief Team. We offer support for persons in grief and for those caring for a person in grief. Would you like to know more about the Grief Team? Call Judy Foley, Jan Hier, or Susan Cafferty.
“No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us (1John 4:12).”